7 surprising benefits of fighting with a partner

Did you know that conflict has some surprising benefits? Well, there are – if you manage conflicts well.

Have you ever had a conflict with your loved one where the arguments seem to go round and round? Or maybe your relationship bliss is suddenly interrupted by an escalating conflict?

As a couples therapist, I have to recognize that every couple experiences conflict. While it may be healthy for some, it can be terrible for others and cause irreparable damage. So the goal is not to eliminate conflict from our relationships. Rather, it’s about learning how to manage conflict well. When we have healthy conflict in a relationship, we get positive conflict-related outcomes. So why can conflict be good for some couples and bad for others?

In this article, we’ll discuss how to manage conflict well and the surprising potential benefits of conflict.

Masters and Disasters

Renowned psychologist and researcher Dr John Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute, has spent four decades researching successful relationships. His “love lab” studies revealed two distinct groups of couples: champions and disasters.

Masters had lower physiological arousal, meaning they were physically calmer and less reactive during conflicts. This created a safer space for masters to foster trust and intimacy, leading to lasting connections. Disasters, on the other hand, were reactive and experienced a faster deterioration of relations.

Simply put, masters were couples who were generally kinder to each other and wanted to reach out and reconnect even when there was conflict. Disasters were couples who were generally less kind and loving. They also neglected to prioritize reconnection in times of conflict.

Gottman’s research extended to “bid interactions,” where partners request connection by either turning toward or away from each other. Disasters tended to back away from each other. Masters, on the other hand, turn to each other in these moments, offering and responding to offers of connection, cultivating emotional connections and lasting relationships.

Gottman argues that gratitude is key to these small moments and these connections, identifying it as a muscle that needs exercise. The habit of appreciating and expressing gratitude is what separates masters from disasters. Catastrophes focus on criticism and contempt, and these ongoing and accumulated small moments are the primary factors that drive couples apart. Even in conflicts, masters expressed anger in a kind way, resolved problems without hostility, and allowed couples to work through conflict.

Now that we understand the research, let’s take a look at how you can learn to handle conflict well to protect your relationship and reap surprising benefits.

6 keys to good conflict management

1. Don’t be cruel

Anger and frustration is a normal part of conflict. However, being aggressive towards yourself or being personally critical is an absolute no-go. When this happens, there is conflict that creates further division.

2. Be kind even when the conflict is not resolved

It’s important to send the message that your relationship is bigger than the conflict. So even if you can’t agree, be kind to each other while you take time to think about the conflict. When you do this, you show that the relationship is bigger than the conflict. If you refuse to talk or remain hostile, you’re sending the opposite message: “Our relationship is on hold unless we work this out.”

3. Agree on a time to reconnect and repair

Some partners need space to deal with feeling overwhelmed after a conflict, while others may want an immediate resolution to high levels of anxiety. When you agree to a time to reconnect, both partners can feel more balanced knowing that there is both space and intention to get back together.

4. Understand that there are two stories going on

No matter how right or hurtful you are, it’s important to understand that there are always two stories going on. When you can turn your mind toward your partner’s story, you become more open and valid, paving the way for reconnection.

5. Do better in the second round

Maybe you were critical, impatient, angry, or building walls. You’re only human, so it happens. When dealing with conflict after an outburst, try to express your feelings in a calm way, focusing on any hurt or vulnerability you or your partner is feeling. This gets closer to the source of the problem and fosters a sense of understanding.

6. End the sweet thing

Assuming you’re both trying and investing in the relationship, it’s important to try to let go of resentment, be forgiving, and end the conflict on a positive note. When you do this, you foster positive associations with the relationship that protect against future conflicts.

7 benefits of conflict

1. It shows that your relationship is alive and you don’t avoid problems

Avoidance is the silent killer of a relationship. Conflict, on the other hand, screams that our relationship is alive and something is wrong. If you can embrace this concept, conflict can be seen as positive in the context of being a healthy signal that highlights that there is a problem that needs to be resolved.

2. Your relationship grows and adapts

Tension can lead to growth. When you and your partner can overcome conflict, it means that you are becoming adaptive and flexible in your relationship. As you go through life with your partner, values, preferences, desires, and dynamics change. Adaptive and flexible partners experience growth together and as individuals, which is highly protective of their relationship.

3. It can promote closer levels of emotional intimacy

When your partner attachment has been broken and repaired, it can support a higher level of emotional intimacy for a period of time. As the pendulum swings from vulnerability to reconnection, partner togetherness can be sweeter for a while before the relationship bond settles.

4. Make-up sex

Some couples report that they have wonderful sexual intimacy after conflict. As emotions and tension heat up, it can trigger erotic energy and heighten feelings of lust. For others, the desire to be emotionally closer to their partner can create a desire for passion and lovemaking that seals the reunion.

5. Your relationship will strengthen

If you’re doing well, you begin to unconsciously believe that your relationship is much bigger than any particular conflict. When problems arise, you are assured that they will be overcome. Therefore, you will approach conflict with more patience, a sense of calm, and the increased communication skills you have gained through the relationship.

6. You work more as a team

Couples who avoid problems do not work together to solve them. Couples who find themselves in conflict begin to understand that by looking at each other, they can find solutions to increase validation and personal satisfaction.

7. You achieve more goals together

If you want to achieve big goals together, you’ll need to learn how to manage conflict well. Couples who mesh well hit major roadblocks and then work together to build bridges and achieve their goals, bringing a sense of mastery to the relationship. Conflict in this sense is useful because it helps you move toward effective problem solving versus stagnation or procrastination.

Fight, but fight well

Conflict can be very beneficial to your relationship if you do it well. Forgiveness, kindness and generosity must be key themes after conflict to ensure healing and reconnection and to prevent relationship breakdown. This action will increase the sharing of joys and constructive reactions and adaptations in the relationship. Accumulating these moments promotes stability, healthy connections, growth and mastery in a relationship.