Is modern parenting causing you financial stress?

Parents today are stressed, burnt out and trying to keep it together. Between rising costs and the pressure to give our kids every opportunity, it’s no wonder many of us feel overwhelmed.

Why are parents so stressed?

They exist many reasons for this stress (hello inflation and skyrocketing childcare costs!). But there is also something more under the surface –the pressure to create the perfect experience for our children at all times. We feel they need to be in the perfect school, participate in the right activities, have a variety of experiences, and be constantly busy. It seems that if our children are not able to fulfill all their dreams, we are failing.

Those of us who are late Gen Xers or early Millennials (Xenials) grew up with the promise that if we went to college, the world would open up to us and success would be guaranteed. But that didn’t turn out to be reality. Instead, our generation is working as hard as we can to make ends meet and barely making ends meet.

So it is only logical that we try to provide our children with better opportunities. Success seems no longer guaranteed, and if we don’t give our children every possible advantage, we fear they will be left behind. As parents, we constantly ask ourselves: Am I doing enough? Should I register my children for more activities? Am I giving them enough experience?

This pressure, and all the other stressors parents face, is so intense that the US Surgeon General has declared parental stress an urgent public health problem.

The financial impact of modern parenting

As a financial coach, I see this dynamic with my clients every day. They are already dealing with the high costs of childcare, housing, food, clothing and saving for college. But in addition to these necessities, they also spend huge sums on other activities – camps, sports, lessons, equipment, the list goes on. Part of it is social pressure and part of it is just that it’s hard to say no to your kids.

Let me be clear: there is nothing wrong with paying for these things. I’m not trying to shame you or make you feel bad about it. It’s completely understandable that you want to give your child every opportunity to thrive.

At the same time, it’s important to understand the financial (and emotional!) impact of these expenses. Because there’s a good chance they add to your stress and cause you to unknowingly sacrifice things that may be more important to you.

Are children’s activities causing you financial stress?

Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to spend money on your children than on yourself? If so, you are not alone.

But this can often get us into trouble faster than we could imagine. Children’s expenses aren’t cheap, and they add up quickly.

So it’s important to consider the impact on your overall financial health:

• Are these expenses causing you financial stress?

• Are they contributing to living paycheck to paycheck or carrying debt?

• Are you sacrificing things that are important to you—like your savings, retirement, or financial security—to cover these costs?

When you evaluate any expense in a vacuum, it will almost certainly feel important. If I ask you if your child’s expensive lessons/activities are worth it, the answer is almost certainly an enthusiastic yes! OF COURSE it is important to give your child experiences that he enjoys and that help him grow.

But what if you think about it in relation to the bigger picture of what you really want in life?

Is it worth it in the big picture?

Let’s look at the larger context of your life and goals. It’s worth spending money on all these extras if:

• Are you constantly stressed about money and is this stress negatively affecting your family dynamics and relationships?

• Will you not have enough saved for retirement and may have to rely on your children to support you later in life? (Will they appreciate that you prioritized their activities over your financial security at that moment?)

• Are you stuck in a job you hate because you can’t afford to make a change, go back to school, or start a business?

• Can’t you buy a home that better suits your family’s needs or take a vacation that could create meaningful memories?

I know the pressure is real. I know how hard it is to say no to give our children the best opportunities and everything they want. And I know that some of these expenses are unavoidable because they partially serve the function of childcare.

And you DON’T have to give it all up. But you have to consider the impact that spending money on children and their activities affects your life, your goals, and even your relationship with your children.

It’s important to evaluate ANY spending in the context of your whole financial picture. Because the reality is that no one can afford EVERYTHING they want, whenever they want (just ask celebrities and lottery winners who have gone bankrupt).

Learn how to avoid overspending during the holidays.

Recognizing trade-offs

Whether we realize it or not, we are always making compromises. When you spend money on one thing, it means you have less available for something else.

The key to managing your money well—while living your best life—is to figure out what’s most important to you and focus your spending on those areas. Everything else? This is where you limit yourself.

Know your priorities

Knowing what you want most makes it easier to say no to things that don’t align with those priorities. This is especially important for parents who are constantly juggling the pressure to manage it all.

So, what are your priorities? What do you want most from life? Once you’re clear on that, you can start aligning your spending with your goals. Spend money on the things that have the biggest impact on your happiness, your future, and your family’s well-being—and give yourself permission to say no to everything else.

Here’s a free worksheet to help you identify your values.

It’s not easy — but it’s worth it

I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s hard to say no to things that are important, especially when it comes to your children. But being aware of how you spend your money and making decisions with your long-term goals in mind can greatly reduce your financial stress—and increase your overall happiness and satisfaction.

And that’s not just good for you—it’s good for your whole family.